Friday, April 1, 2011
Breaking News: Dick Cheney to Quit Hunting
updated 4/1/2011 12:30:37 PM ET
Former Vice President Richard Cheney surprised a crowd at the National Press Club today with an unexpected announcement—he has decided to stop hunting. “It suddenly hit me—here I’ve been supporting a pro-life agenda, and yet I was shooting countless birds and other living things for fun. I mean—yeah, there was some satisfaction in shooting 70 pheasants and all those ducks in a single day, but in the end, what the hell was I thinking?” Mr. Cheney may have been referencing a widely publicized and criticized canned hunt in Rolling Rock Club in Ligonier Township, Pennsylvania, in 2003, when he and 9 others shot at 500 Ring-necked Pheasants at close range, killing 417. The party also killed a large but still undisclosed number of Mallards.
Has he become anti-hunting? “Don’t get me wrong—I know some hunters who love being outdoors, stalking their prey for hours, and acquiring the skill and stealth of natural predators. They seem to actually love those animals they shoot at. I guess they’re approaching hunting in a pretty sound and moral way. But that was never me—I mean, who are we kidding? I just got my rocks off shooting living things at close range—the more, the better.”
Asked about his July 2010 surgery, when he was outfitted with a left-ventricular assist device, he said, “Now that I think about it, my enjoyment of canned hunts may have been because my heart was defective. Interesting point to consider.”
Will he keep his guns? “Hell yes! You never know when you'll get a chance to ‘accidentally’ shoot a political opponent in the face.” When asked if that was inconsistent with his pro-life sensibilities, he snorted. “I’ve watched birds long enough to recognize intelligent life. But Democrats? Get real!”
at 12:51 PM