Don't you dare call me a BCCH!!!

What does the NRA have against us?

The only place in the entire US of A where we Florida Scrub-Jays have ever been found is Florida. We even have the word "Florida" in our name. But do people make us Florida's state bird? Nope, because Marion Hammer, the first woman president of the NRA, thought we don't deserve it because we can't be found over every inch of the state. So the mockingbird—a generic bird that doesn't even have its own song but has to steal bits and pieces of everybody else's sounds—gets that distinction, even though mockingbirds are the state bird of four other states!

It's not like you can find most state birds over every inch of their states. Louisiana's Brown Pelican can only be found along the coast. Maryland's Baltimore Oriole and Minnesota's loon fly the coop every winter, when they can't be found in those states at all. And Delaware's "Blue Hen" can't be found anywhere—it's a fictitious bird of cockfighting fame.

We are certainly the friendliest bird ANYWHERE. What other lifer lands on the hands and heads of birders seeing it for the first time? And because we're both easy to see and only found in Florida, we even boost the state's tourism income. Come on, Florida—we deserve it!

Michigan should have made me their state bird

For over a century, the only place on the continent where we were known to breed was Michigan. So naturally we assumed when they named a state bird they'd pick us. But NOOOOOOOOOO—they picked the stupid old robin, who you can find just about anywhere. Well, we're not taking this sitting down. Some of us thought, why should we be loyal to a state that doesn't see how special we are? So Wisconsin, here we come!!!!

It's SO easy to give Laura a thrill

All I have to do is let her make a recording of my whinny and she gets oh, so excited!

How come they never use me in those "Visit California" commercials?

I'd never live anywhere else!

We told you so! 1136 raptors counted yesterday!

In September, Hawk Ridge really is the place to be.

Head on up to Hawk Ridge. Yes, I'm talkin' to YOU!

My beak's bigger than your beak!

You can't see me up here, can you?

Here's lookin' at you, kid

Hey, you kids...

...Get off my lawn!!!

Sometimes the proper word is

WHOM.

We've been using disposable diapers...

...since before you humans were born.

I don't have my pilot's license yet.

So far I think flying is overrated.

Flowers might not have much protein...

But they don't fly away from you.

I sing better than you do!

Rare, and on the side.

When I say I like my meat still pink, I mean it. And I'm no middle-of-the-road kind of guy. I prefer my food served on the side.

Hotness Delusion Syndrome?

Nope. We middle-aged male hummingbirds actually ARE hot.

Don't you dare complain about ticks!

Nobody knows the troubles I've seen.

Look me straight in the eye when I talk to you.

Yes, I mean YOU!

Who YOU lookin' at?

Hey, Minnesota DNR!

Stop using us as your poster child for the NON-GAME wildlife program unless you're gonna put us back on the NON-GAME list. A lot of people contributed to this fund to help us and other non-game species. Now that those contributions have gotten our numbers up, you're letting hunters kill us. It's just not fair.

Here—YOU take it.

You better be nice to us or Mike Tyson's gonna beat you up!

Mike Tyson wrote a nice essay about us in the New York Times!

The ol' looking up in the air gag

The case of the levitating grouse

I'm the greatest star!

American Woodcock, a photo by Laura Erickson on Flickr.

People come out to see me every spring, even though we've been doing this show for ages.

The early bird gets the worm.

But really, who wants worms?

Breaking News: Dick Cheney to Quit Hunting

TBNews
updated 4/1/2011 12:30:37 PM ET

Former Vice President Richard Cheney surprised a crowd at the National Press Club today with an unexpected announcement—he has decided to stop hunting. “It suddenly hit me—here I’ve been supporting a pro-life agenda, and yet I was shooting countless birds and other living things for fun. I mean—yeah, there was some satisfaction in shooting 70 pheasants and all those ducks in a single day, but in the end, what the hell was I thinking?” Mr. Cheney may have been referencing a widely publicized and criticized canned hunt in Rolling Rock Club in Ligonier Township, Pennsylvania, in 2003, when he and 9 others shot at 500 Ring-necked Pheasants at close range, killing 417. The party also killed a large but still undisclosed number of Mallards.

Has he become anti-hunting? “Don’t get me wrong—I know some hunters who love being outdoors, stalking their prey for hours, and acquiring the skill and stealth of natural predators. They seem to actually love those animals they shoot at. I guess they’re approaching hunting in a pretty sound and moral way. But that was never me—I mean, who are we kidding? I just got my rocks off shooting living things at close range—the more, the better.”

Asked about his July 2010 surgery, when he was outfitted with a left-ventricular assist device, he said, “Now that I think about it, my enjoyment of canned hunts may have been because my heart was defective. Interesting point to consider.”

Will he keep his guns? “Hell yes! You never know when you'll get a chance to ‘accidentally’ shoot a political opponent in the face.” When asked if that was inconsistent with his pro-life sensibilities, he snorted. “I’ve watched birds long enough to recognize intelligent life. But Democrats? Get real!”

Between you and me...

...my pet peeve is when people say "between you and I." You'd never say "between we"—it's "between us." It's a simple example of objective case. As a chickadee, English is only a second language for me, but still. Get it right, humans!